Reclaiming Beingness
I could say it was the population of “them”. But it wasn’t. Giving my voice away happened ever so subtly during the last few years doing all things HR for a hospice agency. I didn’t even realize I was allowing it most of the time. I was basically writing a Tracker Keeper™ full of permission slips to stay small, quiet, and uncomplicated.
Six weeks ago I started a career makeover.
In healthcare.
Days before a world-wide pandemic slammed us all into time out.
The timing in my life has always had such a weird sense of humor. I shouldn’t have expected anything else when navigating myself through year forty.
No longer being in a toxic work environment and living 24/7 out of fight or flight mode gave my brain the ability to loosen the armor a bit. To reflect on how I’ve been numbing my beingness with doingness (if Mary Poppins can create words, so can I).
Starting my career move wasn’t the light switch to flip me out of the doing cycle. It helps, don’t get me wrong, yet it’s revealed just how much reclaiming I have to do and it won’t happen as quick as a TikTok™.
Things I’m recognizing: Fear has a fierce grip on me y’all. Perfection has been driving me into the ground. And anxiety overwhelms me through it all.
In recent weeks I have had the laughable expectation of learning all the people and processes within my new job and not making any mistakes so that I don’t inconvenience anyone. Because if I inconvenience them, I’ll be complained about. And if I’m complained about, I’ll be written off. And if I’m written off, then that means I’m not good enough for the team. I won’t belong. Yet if I come in knowing all the things and doing all the things, I’ll be too much for them. And I’m back to the idea of not belonging again.
I know. Exhausting, right?!
I could choose to remain in stuck mode and keep plugging along with hopes it will all get better one day.
But I’m not - Mom infused too much of her tenacity in me to choose “stuck mode”.
I can’t help but think back to the Karen of five years ago. I wasn’t quite like this. I didn’t struggle with anxiety to this level and I was radically transparent regarding all the things in my life.
God, I miss her. She showed up. She lived her truth, her flops, and her fire without all this heavy armor weighing her down. She wasn’t perfect but she was present.
Maybe these past five years have been a transparency hangover of sorts. You know, like Brene’s experience after her TED Talk (look at me calling her Brene as if I have on her speed dial).
I don’t know a lot right now.
The few things I do know?
I still adore Danny after 23 years of being on this roller coaster ride with him.
Our two teenage boys who eat everything in the house except the cat food have my heart more than ever (now if I can just get an occasional picture of them for Instagram).
Kabuki and Oliver are perfect pet therapists.
I miss April (my amazing hair person) immensely.
My new job is amazing and I’m learning much more about processes, people, and myself.
Andddddd I need to get back to reading, writing, and thankfully not arithmetic.
Writing openly has always led me to my truest self - and helped me find my people along the way. One of the great things about my new job is the freeing up of head space and time so I can do this again.
So here I am (again), showing up (again), and being grateful that I have the ability to reclaim myself as many times as it takes.
